5 Phrases You Never Say to an Angry Person at Work (or anywhere else)

Conflict at work has always been a problem, but with the recently added stresses of the national recession, employee layoffs, and the mortgage crises the problem is sky-rocketing.  In fact, the Center for Disease Control has classified workplace violence as a national epidemic.  The recent shooting during a faculty meeting at the University of Alabama in Huntsville highlights this growing problem. Whether you are concerned about violence in the workplace, want to help reduce tension and improve morale at work or just don’t want to be part of the problem, learning to avoid these 5 phrases when people are angry can help resolve problems before they escalate.

Phrase 1 “Calm Down” 

We’ve all said it, someone is angry, or upset, they’re in a heightened emotional state and before we can even think about, the words just naturally slide out:  “Calm Down!”   As natural as this phrase may seem when dealing with an employee (or anyone) who is upset and emotional, it is not, I repeat, is not an appropriate phrase for helping the individual to calm down.  Why?  Has it ever worked?  Of course not, in fact it seems to have the opposite effect, instead of calming down they often become more upset.  This happens because the phrase calm down, insinuates that the person has no real legitimate reason to be upset or emotional.  Now they spend more time defending their reason for being upset in the first place which just amplifies their frustration or anger.  Instead try phrases like “I see you’re upset, is there anything I can do to help”.  Remember, conflicts are never resolved when the person is still upset.

Phrase 2 “What Do You Want Me To Do About It?”

First, this is one of the biggest cop outs there is.  It immediately says, “I’m not going to help you” and “it’s not my problem.” But there is another part to this; it communicates “I don’t care” or even worse, you’re being unreasonable in expecting me to help you.  That’s a huge problem, especially if it is something that was your responsibility.  It immediately discredits you both as a responsible person and as an ally.  Instead, try phrases like “How can I help?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?”  Help them solve the problem and if you are in any way to blame for what happened, apologize.  Just don’t sound like a telephone customer service rep “I’m sorry for any inconvenience that this may have caused you….”

Phrase 3 “Grow Up!” or “Be Rational”

“Grow up” and “Be rational” have the same effect as saying “Stop acting so childish” and “You’re an idiot” (regardless of whether you think its true or not, it will do nothing to help resolve the matter at hand).  This is like an invitation for more conflict.  You must remember that at that moment, the person feels justified in his or her response and calling them childish will just inflame the situation even more.  Plus, what’s the chance of this person responding by saying, “I know, I’m acting like a complete moron but I was wronged!”  Instead, try saying (in a concerned voice) “Are you OK, is there anything I can do to help?” or “What’s wrong”.  These phrases will help pacify the person’s emotions allowing them to settle down.

Phrase 4 “What’s Your Problem?”

This phrase, usually accompanied with an offensive tone, a facial expression that screams “disdain” towards the other person, and an emphasis on the word your, immediately sets up a “me vs. you” dynamic instead of the mutual concern/”we’re in this together” feel needed to calm the individual.  The other problem is that this phrase points to the person as the source of what ever is wrong which almost always leads to that person feeling the need to defend his or her self. Instead try using “What’s wrong” or “What’s the matter?”  These phrases communicate empathy and concern and will help the person begin to deal with the problem without provoking them.  Just be careful not to get pulled into their frustration with them.

Phrase 5 “But”

For the love of all that is good, don’t follow any of the above mentioned phrases with “but”.  “But negates the previous statement, causing people to both disregard the previous statement and to interpret whatever is coming next as negative.  Substituting “and” for “but” will make you much more effective.

If you can learn to use these phrases while looking people in the eyes with a calm expression and a disarming tone AND you can keep your “but” out of harms way, you can effectively cool people down when things get hot.

Article #2

5 Behaviors of Bad Bosses

Bad Bosses are everywhere and we’ve all had them.  They come in all shapes and sizes, but there are five things that I’ve consistently seen that are tell tale behaviors of bad bosses.

Playing Favorites

I’ve yet to meet a manager or executive who admits to or even believes they are playing favorites.  It’s like bad breath.  Everyone know it’s there except the person who has the problem.  Managers justify it by saying they are “raising them up” or that they are “team players”, but the real question is:  Are they being treated based on their performance or based on how they make the boss feel?   I was in a company with so many “yes” men and women that I thought sucking up was part of the job description.  It wasn’t, but maybe it should have been.  It seems that the old adage is often true: ‘It’s not what you know it’s who you know.’

Being a Control Freak

There are many great benefits to micromanaging.  It can be used to train both new employees and employees learning new tasks.  It can also be used to help those who have had performance issues.  But when bosses micromanage trained, competent employees it communicates, “I don’t trust you,” and “I’m the only one here smart enough to do it.”  It is especially destructive when it is followed up with temper tantrums or threats or belittling comments.  And then they wonder why no one ‘takes initiative’.

Stealing Credit

Stealing credit is one of the most damaging of all bad boss behaviors.  Stealing credit goes beyond not recognizing someone for a job well done.  This is far worse.  This is taking the results of someone else’s ideas, performance and hard work and claiming it as your own.  It is like identity theft for people in the workplace.

Throwing Temper Tantrums

Temper Tantrums are also incredibly dangerous in the workplace.  They intimidate and manipulate people with the belief that somehow this added fear will increase productivity and or respect.  In reality, it causes people to lose respect for the angry boss and in many cases can lead to confrontation in the future.  Who came up with the idea that anger was a management tool anyway?

Talking Down to Employees

Talking down to or belittling employees is a cousin to throwing temper tantrums.  The constant need to remind people that the boss is the boss and that the employees are little more than indentured servants does little to boost morale or productivity.  Telling employees they are lazy or idiots or whatever, with the hopes that it will help them to ‘get it’ is more destructive than productive and communicates “you’re here because I pay you and you have no value beyond that.”  And they wonder why they hear employees say “I don’t get paid enough to do that?”

September 14th, 2008

On August 19th, 1986, Patrick Sherrill walked into a meeting with his two supervisors for a counseling session.  What exactly transpired during that meeting is still unclear, but it is certain as is his performance record that this was a meeting about Sherrill’s job performance and the possibility of termination was discussed.  Sherrill went home that evening filled with all types of emotions.  What transpired the next day has made an indelible mark on American history.  Patrick Sherrill came to work the next morning, walked up to one of the supervisors who had conducted the meeting, pulled out two .45 caliber handguns and fatally shot one of the two supervisors who conducted the counseling session.  Within the next 15 minutes, Sherrill shot over 50 rounds killing 14 coworkers before fatally shooting himself.  What happened that day at the Edmond Post Office would later be used to coin the phrase “going postal” (although statistically workers at the post office are no more likely to be violent than any other place of employment).

Workplace aggression and violence are on the rise.  Statistically, we are most likely to get into a violent confrontation at work (more so than jogging alone at night).  Over the past year, I traveled extensively throughout the country (including some international travel as well) training managers from various companies on leadership skills.  During that time I came to a startling realization.  It’s not surprising that workplace violence is on the rise.  What is surprising is that more people aren’t going postal! 

The more people I talk to (whether on the road in seminars and workshops, at church or the gym) the more horror stories I hear about people and their jobs.  Most surveys will tell you that employee satisfaction is down.  I believe that is a huge understatement.  Many people hate their job.  They work all day.  They are underappreciated, disrespected, ignored and often undervalued.  And then companies wonder how to motivate their employees and reduce turnover. 

Because of all of this, I am going to use this blog as a way to teach managers how to properly lead their employees.  Each post, I will talk about some of the things that both bad and even good managers do that hinder them from being more effective.  This blog will also be an outlet for many people to share their stories so that we all have a better understanding of the effect these behaviors have on their employees.

If managers can learn to master the human dimension of leadership, they can almost guarantee their success.

E-mail: speaker@tonychatman.com